


Half of What I Say Is Meaningless

by nuwandaunderstreet



Category: Dead Poets Society (1989)
Genre: Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Dyslexic!Todd Anderson, Fix-It, Hospitalization, Internalized Homophobia, Keating Being a Father Figure, M/M, Period Typical Attitudes, Period-Typical Homophobia, Suicide Attempt, also charlies adhd and neil is autistic, bc I said so, bc let men cry, but its there ig, charlie/knox is alluded to but not like. totally fledged out yknow, gun mention??, i think they all cry at some point, same for meeks/pitts, todd is an anxious ass wreck
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-14
Updated: 2021-01-27
Packaged: 2021-03-05 03:15:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,908
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25267462
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nuwandaunderstreet/pseuds/nuwandaunderstreet
Summary: “Hi,” is all he could muster. No one else was in the room, he was allowed to say what he really felt. It wasn’t like Neil could hear him anyways, so he shouldn’t have been so scared. “It’s uh, Todd. Todd Anderson.” Why the fuck did he say his last name? He was talking to his roommate, not having a job interview. “I don’t know why I said that, you probably could’ve guessed that.”Neil's attempt puts him in the hospital and Todd keeps visiting and talking to him, not knowing Neil can hear him.title of work and chapters are all from different beatle songs bc why notfic title inspired by 'julia' by the beatles
Relationships: Todd Anderson/Neil Perry
Comments: 2
Kudos: 50





	1. I'll Never Make It Alone

**Author's Note:**

> uh. so here's my first ao3 fic and also my first complete dps fic?? also my first mlm fic but anYWAYS hope yall like it  
> p.s. some of the Hospital Stuff is prolly inaccurate because i'm Not A Doctor but regardless hope yall enjoy :)  
> chapter title inspired by 'oh! darling' by the beatles

Todd had no idea how to react. I mean, was there really a proper reaction to hearing that the best person in your life was in the hospital? Not only that, but in the hospital because they tried to kill themself?

I mean, there were ways to not react. You weren’t supposed to laugh at it. Oh my god, that’s so fucked up, why would he think that? Great. Now he can’t breathe and his lungs feel like they’re being strangled and what the hell can he do? Nothing. He just has to stand- pace- walk? Whatever it was he was doing in this awkward circle in his dorm as he tried to calm down. Oh god, what would happen when he saw him? Oh god, what would happen if he wasn’t okay? Oh god, what ifs were filling his head like a balloon and it was ready to explode. 

Todd eventually brought himself to sit down and clutch his pillow to his chest as he shut his eyes. Feeling the mattress, feeling the pillow, feeling the texture of his jacket. He could smell the odd mix of chemical and mint that came from his dandruff shampoo rubbed into his pillow. He was calming down. He’d be okay. 

But would Neil? No one knew. Or if they did, no one told him. 

-

_They were about to go to breakfast, even though Todd had felt slightly off all morning, as he felt the empty presence of Neil in the room. His empty, but still properly made, bed, his Five Centuries of Verse, stacked in priority above his array of other textbooks which sat next to his papers, always neatly organized for this and that class. He was just putting on his tie when Charlie opened the door and stuck his head though._

_Unannounced, in normal Nuwanda fashion, without regard as to whether or not Todd was even totally dressed. To be fair, Charlie probably wouldn’t care walking in on someone naked, guy or gal._

_“Hey,” he said, with the lack of his usual cockiness. “You got a minute?”_

_“Sure,” A part of Todd knew exactly what this was going to be about, while the other part wanted the benefit of a doubt that maybe something totally different had caused Charlie’s odd demeanor of the day. “What’s up?”_

_Charlie didn’t hesitate to let himself in, shuttling the door and sitting on Neil’s bed, prompting Todd to sit across on his. “So, uh. Last night was, uh, something, right?” Charlie never acted like this._

_“Yeah, yeah.” Was all he could say back. A lot happened last night. Neil gave a performance better than any movie Todd could recall, Knox couldn’t shut up about Chris and how her hands were soft and whatnot, and then Neil’s father had basically ruined the night’s fun by extracting Neil from all of it. “What about it?”_

_Charlie exhaled, his hands on either side of the mattress, as if he was wondering how to explain. He finally looked back up, though without making eye contact longer than a moment before plainly saying, “Neil tried to kill himself.”_

_Immediately, Todd felt like he was hit with two different waves at the same time. The good thing is that Charlie had said “tried”. That was the five letter word that saved the entire situation from being an utter disaster. But was it all good? Neil was in the hospital, even worse, stuck with the entire situation of last night looming over his already heavy, and now even heavier shoulders. “Is-is he okay? Can we– see him?”_

_“Dunno yet. I was talking to Keating last night when Nolan walked in. I ducked behind the desk and heard it all. He just said to not expect Neil back for a little while, ‘cuz ‘there was an incident at the Perry house with a gun and a bad trigger’, but we both know that’s total bullshit. After Nolan left, Keating and I just kinda looked at each other before he said I should get back before someone knew I was out.” He sighed. “Look, Todd, I know you’re not much of a talker, but I still need to make sure you’re not gonna tell everyone. Only us and the other guys know, and Neil’s been through enough without having the entire junior class talking about him.”_

_Todd nodded. He wouldn’t have said anything anyways, but even if he were that kind of person, he wouldn’t say anything about Neil. They only knew each other for not even six months and Todd felt closer to him than he had been to anyone else before. Not with his brother, not with any friends he’d had before… For the first time in his life, he felt like he had a real group of friends and a real best friend that he was able to laugh and talk with. And it was almost all taken away from him. God, that sounds so selfish, this wasn’t about him- it was about Neil. About how his dad couldn’t let him have an extra inch to breathe without getting some sort of reprimand. This was about Neil._

_“Well,” Charlie said, standing up again. “I’m gonna let you get back to what you were doing. See you in a bit,” He walked out the door, closing it behind him as he started walking with Knox and Meeks to breakfast._

-

Todd still sat on his bed, curled around a pillow, wiping away his tears before taking a deep breath. 

-

The ER rule was only two visitors in the room at a time. Why two? That’s such an odd number. Well, actually, it was an even number, but it was a weird number to choose. Did he really want it three at a time, though? No, because he didn’t want to lose his shit in front of Charlie and Knox. But one at a time sounded better, right? Why is there even a limit on how many people can be in there?

Todd’s knee anxiously bounced up and down at a speed he was sure some cars couldn’t even reach. What was he going to say when he saw him? Jesus Christ. Should he just run? No, don’t run in a hospital, that’s weird. What was he supposed to do? What would he say? What-

Knox was the first one to walk back into the waiting room, sitting next to Todd. “Charlie’ll be back in a minute. He’s known Neil for a long time, so he’ll take a little longer. It’s two at a time though, so you can go in there if you want. Just knock or something so he knows.”

“No, it’s fine.” Todd shook his head and looked back down at his feet, one still jittering like nobody’s business. “How, um, how- how does he look?” He was scared to know, but he wanted to better brace himself for what he may see. Where was he shot? Would there be tubes every which way? Would he look super pale? Was he breathing on his own?

“Who, Neil? I think the wound was pretty bad, so he’s not conscious. But they said he should be okay, and his body just needs the time to repair the damage and get some blood back. It’s weird to see him like that, yknow? He just looks like he’s asleep, which I guess he is, but just a little paler.”

Should be okay. He should be okay. That was good! Right? There’s at least some chance he’s not gonna die and he’ll be back at Hellton in no time. He hoped so. 

“Hey,” Knox pat him on the back, giving Todd a slight jolt, but bringing him out of his endless well of thoughts. “He’s gonna be okay. He just needs time.”

The creak of the door as Charlie walked back in made the two look up. Charlie has definitely cried a little, but he’d never admit it and no one was willing to ask. His usual gait seemed off as he looked down at the floor more than at Todd or Knox. He slowly walked to the chairs set closely together as he glanced back at Todd. “If you wanna go in there you can,” he said somberly before sitting next to Knox. 

Todd nodded slightly, as if he were about to get up and do it. But something in him turned his feet to cement, giving him trouble to get the motivation to do so. 

“There’s nothing to be scared of, y’know.” Charlie knew Todd’s body language said enough about how scared he was. With good reason too, they were practically inseparable after they first met. “He’s in stable condition, it just looks like he’s sleeping. You’ve probably seen that before anyways,”

If he remembered correctly, Todd actually hadn’t seen Neil sleep before. He was always awake before him, practically being his alarm clock. He wished everyone would stop saying he was just sleeping. I mean, you are unconscious when you sleep, but he’d been “asleep” for nearly two days now. Instead of gushing his anxieties, Todd finally stood up and made his way to Neil’s room. 

He just hoped he wouldn’t make a fool of himself. He didn’t want to cry or look like an idiot. But by the time he found room 12, it was already too late to turn back. 

A thin curtain veiled Neil from everything else, including Todd. A few steps and he’d finally see Neil again. But no amount of time could have truly prepared him for what he was going to see. 

A few steps and he finally saw Neil. He did, as everyone said earlier, look like he was just asleep, his chest slowly, but surely, rising and falling. It was sickly peaceful, seeing him lie there like that. Todd knew that it wasn’t right, though. Neil always slept on his left side. Not that Todd was a creep or anything about it, he just noticed that every night they’d go to bed, he’d always turn to the wall. 

When you live with someone the way they did, you start to notice all the little things about them. How they always sleep on their left side, how they’re actually left handed, how they start to bite their nails while working on a challenging assignment and then quickly stop themselves. How they even pick up things that you yourself didn’t notice. 

-

_“You alright, Todd?”_

_“Hm?”_

_“You’re bouncing your leg again. You usually only do that when you’re nervous about something.”_

_“Oh, uh, it’s nothing. Just the, uh, test. In chemistry. I- I don’t think I did too well.”_

_“Yeah?”_

_“Yeah. I’m uh, I’m not too good at science. I mix up all the uh, the technical terms? There- there’s just too many of them and I get all confused and stuff.”_

_“I bet balancing chemical equations doesn’t help any,” he said with a little smirk._

_“No, no it doesn’t.” Todd chuckled back._

_“Well, I took it over summer. If you want, I could help you?”_

-

Todd wasn’t able to bring himself to look at Neil for too long at a time. He knew that Neil was alive. He could see it. His own breathing was too intense to hear over Neil’s, but he knew it was there. But the longer he looked, Todd felt uneasy. His eyes diverted elsewhere; first to Neil’s hand, then to his own, then to the beige tile on the floor. He sat down. There was so much he wanted to say. But would he even be able to bring himself to look at him long enough to do it? 

“Hi,” is all he could muster. No one else was in the room, he was allowed to say what he really felt. It wasn’t like Neil could hear him anyways, so he shouldn’t have been so scared. “It’s uh, Todd. Todd Anderson.” Why the fuck did he say his last name? He was talking to his roommate, not having a job interview. 

“I don’t know why I said that, you probably could’ve guessed that.” He added with an awkward laugh. He could barely talk when Neil initiated a conversation, how was he supposed to have a one-sided conversation like this? “It’s just me, Charlie, and- and Knox. Meeks and Pitts, they- they had to, um, work on something, they wanna stop by the- uh, the next time though.” Next time? Was there going to be a next time? By the next time they’d visit, shouldn’t he be out of the hospital? “And Cameron is… well, you- you know him.” Neil probably wouldn’t have wanted him here anyway. “The play was- was good. Really, um, really good. It made me wanna actually read Shakespeare. I started reading, um, Romeo and- and Juliet. It’s kinda a bummer you already know how it ends and all, but it, um, it- it’s good so far.”

Todd found himself beating around the bush. He couldn’t talk about how he really felt. Maybe he was just waiting to say it whenever Neil was actually conscious for it? No, he was just terrified out of his skull was all. But carpe diem, right? “I wanted to say I, um, I missed you. A- a- a lot. It’s not the same in our room without you to talk to an- and stuff. I… I- I feel like I’m missing a part of myself.” Was that weird to say? He sounded like he was in love. “You- You’re just the, uh- um, closest person- person- the only person I’ve ever been this close to before. I mean, there are the other guys, but it- it’s different with you. You’re- you’re someone I care about in another way.” What was wrong with him? If Neil ever heard that, he’d probably be so freaked out he’d never talk to him again. He’d call him a homosexual and probably report him to Nolan and he’d be expelled and his family would disown him and-

A knock at the door made Todd jump. The door slowly opened, revealing a nurse. “Sorry, did I interrupt something?”

Todd immediately shook his head, mumbling, “No, no, you’re fine.” She actually was interrupting something, but what was he gonna do, tell her that?

“I’m just here checking on Mr. Perry. You’re welcome to stay if you’d like.”

The last thing he needed was someone else hearing him vent his emotions. He got up quickly “No, it’s, um, it’s- it’s okay. My friends are probably waiting for me anyways, um,” he looked back at Neil another time. “I’ll see you soon, Neil,” was all he said before frantically dashing out the door. 

As he walked back to the waiting room, he shook his hands out as forty different thoughts passed through his head. Was he supposed to be relieved? Upset? A part of him was so stressed out he wanted to throw up in the nearest trash can. He walked back into the waiting room, to the surprise of Charlie and Knox, who looked like they were looking at each other with solemn faces. 

_“Back already?”_


	2. I Could Never Really Live Without You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> time for daddy issues lol (both bc keating's a father figure and bc charlie talks about Family Shit)  
> todd kinnies come get yall juice

Todd already had a head time focusing on his work after finding out Neil was in the hospital. But after seeing him? And knowing more? And knowing all the stupid stuff he said? It only made the situation worse. He felt his anxiety swell up every time a teacher called his name. But now I was only a hundred times worse, knowing they were repeating it just to get his attention for a question he couldn’t answer half the time. All day, it felt like the only thing he heard. Mr. Anderson, Mr. Anderson, Mr. Anderson. It was a nightmare. 

At least there was Keating’s class. He seemed to be the only one to understand that maybe the roommate of a high strung student who nearly died may not be at his best at the moment. 

The bell had rung, but Todd had stayed behind for a minute. He finally gained the strength to ask. 

“Uh, Captain?” Mr. Keating looked up. “Um, could I, um, talk to you about, uh, uh, about something?”

“Of course, Todd.” Todd always liked how Mr. Keating spoke to him and the other dead poets. No other teachers used their first names. Keating took a small walk till he reached the front of his desk and sat on it. Seeing as the distance between him and Todd wasn’t that far, he didn’t feel the need to get much closer. “Is this about Neil?”

“Um, yeah, actually, uh. You- you know how some of us, uh, went to go see him the other day?” Keating gave a small nod. “We-well, I just, I can’t stop thinking about him, y’know?” He tried to add a small scoff to lighten the tone, but it didn’t work. “I- I mean, he was just lying there, he- he- he barely looked like he was breathing and he was so pale and I-“ Todd was trying his best not to cry. But his voice was cracking and his hands were shaking and his eyes were welling up.

He took a moment before continuing. “I just don’t know what to do.”

Keating had an empathetic look, as he also felt Todd’s pain. Clearly, not to the extent he had, but he understood the hurt. He had no doubt they were close. He exhaled. “Exigence. Have you ever heard that word, Todd?”

“Uh, I guess so.”

“Exigence is why an author writes something. Do you think Emma Goldman just woke up one morning and decided to write about worker injustice? No! She looked around her and was overwhelmed with an emotion and she expressed it through speech! Do you think Bradbury or Orwell wrote their books because they thought it would be a fun task to kill the time? No! They get overwhelmed with emotion and channel it into a medium they find best and, correct me if I’m wrong, Mr. Anderson, but that medium for you, is poetry. You can’t let all this feeling gurgle inside of you, no, it’s not healthy. But if you put it into something like a poem, your concerns are expressed. Whether it touches someone else’s ears is your decision, but you have a true gift. I say, _cherish it_. Write out your feelings. Tell them to Neil, tell them to the world if that’s what you want. But I always find you can never fail with putting your emotions onto paper.”

It wasn’t too bad of an idea, really. Neil always seemed to enjoy his poetry. Maybe he’d like having some poetry written for him. 

“And you know, Todd,” Keating added. “An unconscious person is a great audience.” Now was not the time for a lighthearted comment. Or maybe it was the perfect time. “They can’t insult your work until after it’s too late. Once they wake up, however, they may have some words.”

“I don’t know how, I mean, it’s not like he can hear me or anything.” 

“Oh, quite the contrary, Mr. Anderson.” Wait, _what_? “Studies show people in an unconscious state actually hear what’s happening around them very well, they just can’t react to it.” Oh god. Oh fuck. Oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck, oh _fuck_. 

“But I think you’ve got some writing to do.” Keating said with a smile as he stood up going back behind his desk. “I’ll see you tomorrow, Mr. Anderson.”

“Uh, yeah, you too, Captain,” Todd mumbled before leaving the classroom. 

Thoughts filled his head like a flooding house. So Neil heard what he said? /Every word?/ 

The middle of Siberia is pretty nice this time of year, right?

He had to talk to someone. Oh, but the only person he felt really comfortable talking to with his feelings was Neil. Who was in the hospital. Who now probably never wants to talk to him again, knowing what he said. God, if he let it slip again, he’s as good as gone. 

He took a deep breath. He couldn’t read anymore. He couldn’t write anymore. Everytime he tried to write something, the words came out wrong and he couldn’t find anything he found worth finishing. Especially not worth reading to Neil, even more so since he knew that Neil could hear every word he was saying. 

Usually, when he felt like this, he could just talk to Neil and he’d be calm by the end of whatever conversation they’d have. He probably wouldn’t find that in anyone else, but maybe at least talking could get his mind off it. 

This was the closest and probably the best alternative. After all, Neil and Charlie have been friends since they were kids. He knew stuff about Neil that other people definitely didn’t, but to be fair, Todd somehow felt the same could be said for his relationship with Neil. He walked across the hall and knocked on the door. Three small knocks, so it didn’t sound super urgent and more importantly, alert everyone else. 

Todd anxiously messed with his fingers in what felt like hours before Charlie finally opened the door. “Hey, Todd. What’s up?”

“Is- is Cameron there?” He asked quietly. “I need to talk to you alone. It’s, um it- it’s, about Neil.”

Charlie looked behind him, seeing Cameron reading To Kill A Mockingbird or his math textbook or The Bible or some shit like that. Usually, he wouldn’t mind telling him to leave or whatnot, but Charlie and Todd had a mutual understanding of how important the conversation was. He looked back. “Let’s go to your room.” 

Todd gave a slight nod, taking the short trip of a handful of steps to his room, shutting the door slowly behind him. Charlie didn’t hesitate to sit on Neil’s bed while Todd made his way back to sit on his own. Same as they were only a couple of days ago. 

“So,” he began. “What’s up?”

“Well, I… I said some stuff to Neil, right? When- when we saw him last time and… and, and I didn’t get to say everything I- I wanted to because a- a nurse came in and I also- I- I also said some stuff I couldn’t tell him to his face and then I- I just got super freaked out in general. So i was talking to Mr. Keating earlier and I- I-“ God, was there no end to his stammering? He sounded like a record used as a cat’s scratching post. 

“Hey, Todd, you gotta calm down.”

“I- I _can’t_ calm down! I- I was talking to Keating and he told me to write more poetry but- but e-everytime I try it just turns out to be- to be garbage an- and none of the words come out right.” He could barely see the words he wrote as it was, how was he supposed to make it sound and look right? Nothing he wrote was worth Neil hearing, no matter how much Neil had insisted otherwise. “I- I just- I can’t stop thinking about him. Anytime I do anything I think about how he- he’s not here when he should be. I- I keep thinking about him in that- that bed- with the bandage, and- and- and how pale he was, I just-“ Don’t cry, don’t cry, for the love of God, do not cry. That is the last thing he needed to do right now was break down, for the second time today, in front of someone who probably already thought he had the backbone of a chocolate eclair. 

“I get what you mean.” was all Charlie said. When Todd looked back up, Charlie was looking down at the floor, trying to ignore the fact he was definitely tearing up as he wiped away a stray tear. “Neil and I, we were best friends since we started going to this hellhole. We were roommates for a real long time. A couple years we weren’t so lucky, but we always ended up together again somehow. ‘Til you came along, that was.” Charlie let a small smile slip, thinking about all the shenanigans he and Neil had pulled years back. “Have you tried talking about the good times you guys had?”

Todd nodded and looked back at his hands, which, as usual, he was messing with. “I- I tried, but everytime I do, I just end up thinking about how they’re gone and- and how so much has changed since, and- an- and- I- I just can’t do it.”

Charlie gave a look of understanding. This was a real trying time. Whenever he had some alone time, he found himself thinking of Neil and crying. Ironic, since he and Neil both grew up being told ‘be a man, only pansies cry’ and other shit like that, because God forbid a man show any emotion. 

“It- it was his father.” Todd finally said quietly.

Charlie stayed silent for a moment. He knew exactly what Todd meant. No, his dad wasn’t the one to pull the trigger, but he loaded the gun, so to speak. “Yeah.” Was all he said until he finally added, “He always was an asshole, y’know? That’s something else we had in common. Our fathers were total shitbags, we never understood how our mothers ended up with people like that.”

Todd never really had a good relationship with either of his parents. They were always singing the praises of his older brother. Jeff did this, Jeff did that, that’s all well and good Todd, but your brother could do it better. He only did soccer because his brother did, but of course, it wasn’t enough. He liked rowing more because his brother never did and he didn’t feel like he needed to be compared to him. Instead of being selfish and bringing up his shitty situation, he decided to just agree. “Yeah.” 

“Neil always liked your poetry.” Charlie changed the subject, knowing they could dwell on terrible families for ages. “I'm sure you could write anything and he'd still love it.” Was that supposed to be reassuring? It sounds like when you don't wanna hurt someone's feelings and say they did a good job on something they really did a shitty job on. “It's not like he can really say anything about it. He probably won't even hear it.”

“Yeah, well, that's the thing. He _can_. That's what Keating told me, he can hear everything going on around him.”

“Oh shit, seriously?” Charlie looked surprised. “Well, it's not like I told him anything he didn't already know. I just brought up… A lot of stuff.” Usually, Charlie Dalton was an open book. He'd tell you anything you asked him about. But he very much did not seem like himself and he was elaborating a lot less than usual. Todd was curious as to what Charlie brought up with Neil, but there's no way in hell he’d ask. Of all people, if Charlie didn’t tell you, it must’ve been real personal. “You worried about something you told him? You look like a ghost.”

Did he look like he was freaking out? His breathing was fine. Okay, maybe not /fine/, but it wasn’t /that bad/. He was definitely freaking out but he didn’t think it was that apparent. 

“Todd.” Charlie said, pulling him out of his panic. 

“Huh?”

“I don’t wanna invade on your privacy or anything but I think it’d help if you tell me what you’re all shaken up about. I mean, whatever you told him couldn’t have been that bad.” Of course Charlie would say that. Charlie would tell a random person on the street his life story if they asked. But Todd wasn’t like that. No, Todd couldn’t tell anyone about anything. He was like a turtle. 

“I- I uh, I told him about… how I miss him. That- that’s all.” Yeah, you said you missed him like he was gone for the fucking war. “But, I, uh. I mentioned the… the- the play an- and stuff.” A lie. An absolute lie. “But I- I really don’t think it was a good idea to do that. Maybe it upset him?”

Charlie almost looked confused. No, Charlie probably was confused because Todd is a bad liar. “That’s all?” He said with a light scoff. “No offense, Todd, but I really think you’re worrying about nothing.” Yeah. He did that a lot it seemed. 

“Yeah,” he mumbled back, feigning a fake chuckle to try and not seem too upset. “It’s just-“ No, no, no! What the hell are you thinking? 

“...Just?”

“No- nothing. Just nothing, nevermind.”

“Todd-“

“Look, Charlie, just forget I- I ever said anything.”

“Okay, but-“

“Just drop it.”

“You just seem to have a lot more looming over you, like you-“ 

“What, love him?” Holy fucking God. Why did he say that, _why_ did he say that? Charlie gave a blank look. “...Because I don’t.” Yeah, sure, lie. That’ll help the situation. “I- I don’t know why I said that.” 

“Look, Todd-“

“I- I think you should go,” Todd cast his gaze down. 

Charlie began to leave. He paused. “I’ll go if you want me to, but I’m here for you, alright?”

Todd said nothing. He was still staring at the floor, silently panicking. Was he breathing? It didn’t feel like it. It felt like eternity was passing and everything was passing by him a mile a minute. He didn’t even register that Charlie left the room.

**Author's Note:**

> hope yall enjoyed that bc it only gets sadder and gayer


End file.
